My New Business Venture (part I in a new series for summer)

Since it's finally summer and I have nothing else to do, I've decided to start a new business.  My new business consultancy (name TBA) will offer the following services:

1) I will tell you whether your business idea is a good one or not.  For instance, if you want to open a large, spacious storefront in downtown Northampton that sells only rice pudding, I will tell you not to do that.  There are apparently *a lot* of people who need this service.  Seriously.  It is much, much cheaper to pay me a nominal fee (fee to be negotiated) than to open that rice pudding store, or the fifteenth frozen yogurt shop in Lowell.  I will be totally, brutally honest.  And absolutely correct.

2) I will tell you if your business name is acceptable or not.  I will do appropriate market research and assessment to make sure that your name will not embarrass you, your employees, or your customers.  As with service #1 above, there are clearly *a lot* of businesses that need this service.  For instance, here are some names of actual businesses around here.  I want to stress that I did NOT make them up (nor was I consulted regarding them, obviously):

Actual Sample (not made up):
Live 'n' Learn Family Childcare

Advice I would have given:
While I agree that living and learning are both positive activities that all parents hope their child will be doing while in daycare and at home, this is setting the bar rather low.  In addition, our sources indicate that this phrase conveys a negative sense; for instance, when you regret having sent your child to a particular daycare center, you might say to another parent, "Well, live and learn: I guess next time we'll do a criminal background check!"

Actual Sample (not made up):
Kids 'n' Cribs Daycare

Advice I would have given:
While I do indeed expect to find kids as well as cribs at a daycare center, I would hope that there is more.  This name immediately makes me think that you are putting my child directly into a crib upon arrival, and that he/she will stay there until my eventual return at the end of the day.  This might work better for animal boarding, but parents of human children are expecting more than just a crib.  (Note: parents of furry pets are also often seeking more, too.)

Actual Sample (not made up):
Funtagious Fun Center

Advice I would have given:

This is a real place in the next town up from us, and I have never been inside.  But every time I pass the sign for the place, all I can imagine is one of those giant ball pits that kids play in, and when I imagine one of those giant ball pits, the last thing I want to think about is all the contagious diseases that are lurking in those ball pits.  Truthfully, I cannot think of any business that really wants to be associated with contagious disease (except maybe the CDC) but a "fun center" is really a bad choice.  I don't even know if this place has one of those ball pits -- I think it's more of an arcade kind of place.  But why, oh why, must the fun be contagious?  Like pink eye.  And leprosy.  Not a big selling point.

So there are actually several basic rules that are essential to the naming of your business.  It's not that hard. Actually, there's pretty much one main rule with several corollaries:

1) Do not fool around with spelling.  Random assortments of letters do not make words.  Your creative spelling is not appreciated, nor warranted.   More specifically, here are the corollaries:

1a) Do not use olden spellings.  Ye Olde Watering Hole, I'm looking at you.  Your "shoppee" is just a "shop."  Ye do not need extra "E"s at the endes of your wordes.  I sweare.

Exceptions: If your business has been in operation since the time before spelling, or if you actually sell products from the time before spelling, or if your business is actively involved in Ren-Faire-y sorts of things, then there is an exception.  Please provide appropriate documentation of such claims.

1b) Do not substitute "K" for "C."  Ever.  Kustom Kuts, Kopy Kat, I'm looking at you.  These are unreasonable and will only serve to enrage me.  You are not being cute/kute.  You're just being a cretin/kretin.

1c) Do not use text-speak spelling in your business name.  I know you think it's all hip with the kids.  It just looks dumb.  Your business name is not a text message.  LOL.

Stay tuned for more updates and refinements.  And if you have a business idea for which you need a consultant, please do get in touch!
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P.S. This is my first post in a while.  A few people have reminded me that I need to update the blog more often, and perhaps with less heavy stuff than that April update.  I'd like to write more in general this summer, so I'm saying, right here officially on the blog, that I plan to do more regular updates here for the summer.  I have a ton of "Conversations with Lucy" to get up here, and a few book reviews.  And no doubt more services to add to my business.  Stay tuned, and Happy Summer!