Goth Parenting

So there are all kinds of parenting guides out there for all sorts of parenting challenges. Like nice, normal, parenting challenges like potty training and temper tantrums, and all that. But there are not a lot of parenting guides that cover the kinds of issues that seem to come up around our house, particularly (though certainly not exclusively) around the Halloween-spooky-story time of year. For example, this evening, Lucy and Carter and I were having a grand time wrestling in the front room. Lucy and I were doing our usual routine of "what does the ___ say," which goes something like this:

Me: What does the vampire say?
Lucy: Muawahaha!
Me: What does the witch say?
Lucy: Heheehehehehe [also: I'll get you my pretty, but she doesn't yet have that one down]
Me: What does the zombie say?
Lucy: BRAINS!!!!!

It's perfect. This evening, she told me quite matter-of-factly, that vampires put people in jail. This came as a shock to me, and this detail does not show up in any of the known (to me) traditional vampire lores (we're strict Stoker-ists 'round here, none of your Stephanie Meyer and her glitter vamps, OK?). But she seemed pretty sure of herself. This leaves me wondering who *else* is giving her this information about vampires and the like. Or perhaps she's just generating her own back stories.

So as our conversation continued, she seemed to grow concerned, indicating that she was worried about witches because "they eat children!" She seemed to be half-serious (at least half) so I was quick to remind her that these were just imaginary creatures, and that she didn't need to be scared. She switched tacks quickly (typical) and asked, with genuine curiousity, "Why do zombies say 'BRAINS'?"

[side note -- are other parents having this conversation with their children?]

So I gave her an honest answer, as I believe all parents should when their children ask difficult questions about zombies:

Zombies say "BRAINS!" because they eat brains.

I said it. Out loud. To 3-year-old Lucy. Her face changed from open interest and curiosity to terror. She was upset. And I felt horrible.

Sigh. Is 3 too early to tell your child about zombies? I dunno.

As she was drifting off to sleep tonight, she asked me (literally while I was in the middle of her lullaby which does NOT include any mention of zombies/witches/vampires): "Mommy, can you hear when you're dead?"

I answered no. She did not have a follow-up question; in fact, she seemed satisfied with the answer.

I foresee some more interesting conversations. I'll try to post again soon.

Deceptions

A long time ago, Jake's cousin Paul shared with us his favorite piece of parenting advice. He explained that when the ice cream truck drives through your neighborhood, you should get excited and dance around and announce that the "Music Truck" is in the neighborhood. Make no mention of ice cream whatsoever. This worked well with his first child, although I believe it has been less successful with the later ones.

We loved the idea, and definitely instituted it, as there are at least three different, competing ice cream trucks that regularly cruise our neighborhood in the summertime. Lucy loves dancing to the "Music Truck." Awesome. Recently, a friend and parent of three of Lucy's young friends told us that his three girls think that Lucy is really deprived. Whenever they complain about something awful their parents have done (like not allowing them to eat candy all the time), they say "well, at least you know what an ice cream truck is. Lucy doesn't even know that!" This is hilarious to me, and then sometimes (briefly) makes me feel guilty about the way we've warped her mind. What will happen when she figures it out? Hmmmmm....

This comes to mind at the moment -- rather after the ice cream truck season afterall -- because Lucy has eaten 5 popsicles today. I know, that sounds absolutely outrageous. But here's what her popsicles look like:



Yes, that is one of the new Popsicle "MIGHTY MINI" pops (with Slow Melt technology!*). The Mighty Minis are awesome. I have a large stockpile in our basement freezer because I fear they might be discontinued. I don't know what will happen if Lucy actually finds out what regular-sized popsicles look like. It might be rather like what happened the first time I met an actual full-sized ("standard") poodle, after thinking all my life that the toy poodle was the only size poodles came in. Scary.

Lucy loves them. She often gets to have three popsicles. This makes her very happy. Today she had five because she had a little accident where she ran her lip into my computer (the very computer on which I am typing this). There was a lot of blood and a distraught mom and Lucy, so I swiftly decided that the way to staunch the blood and calm the child was to administer a popsicle. Actually, she got two. Then, after dinner, she got 3 more, just for good measure.

And the next day....

Jake was getting Lucy out of the bathtub. She bumped her elbow. She cried and looked sad. Jake kissed it and said he thought it would be OK. Lucy announced, through (presumably feigned) tears:

"I think a popsicle would make it better."

Oh, the deceptions.

*"Slow Melt Technology" involves gelatin being added to the pops so they don't melt so fast.