Public Service Movie Review

We’ve never done this before at 83 Durant, but it’s a new year, and I’m trying to write more. Also, I’m feeling like I’m on a bit of a mission: I need to save those of you still savable from seeing Avatar.

On Tuesday, we went to see the film at Jordan’s Furniture. Non-local readers may find themselves wondering how exactly we saw a movie at a furniture store. Jordan’s bills itself as “Not Just a Store: An Experience.” To provide that “experience,” two of its locations feature Imax Theaters. The Reading store (where we were) also features a trapeze school and a “Liquid Fireworks” display. As the trailer before the film explains, the two Jordan’s Furniture IMaxes are the only places IN THE WORLD where you can watch Imax from the comfort of a custom-made, Tempur-Pedic seat. I was incredibly grateful for that comfortable (though disconcertingly warm) seat, as the movie is 170 minutes long. We saw it in IMAX 3-D so we would be sure not to miss any of the much-touted amazing effects of this spectacle.

This movie is not good.

Yes, it’s an amazing technological feat. But there are many advances in technology that produce dumb, useless, and pointless things. The movie’s not all bad, but seriously, it does not deserve the kind of over-the-top praise I’ve been hearing. Herewith, then, some thoughts:

This was a $500 million (according to some) film and apparently had no budget line for an editor? Seriously? 170 minutes? This was absolutely many many more minutes than necessary. I would say as many as 100 minutes too many. This could have been an episode of a TV show. In fact, Jake suggested that with the given premise, Joss Whedon could have made a terrific TV show. Of course, it would have been a TV show that everyone would love and no one would watch and that would be cancelled, but it would be a great TV show.

This was a $500 million film and apparently had very little budget for actual writers? OK, you’ve seen James Cameron movies. You know what to expect. It’s a thriller/sci-fi film, so I know I’m not there for the dialogue. But seriously, there were many, many times when I had to willfully ignore the talking so as to attempt to return to the fantasy world. The lines weren’t just clunkers. They were clunkers that dragged down perfectly fine moments.

There are some beautiful things in this movie, like these jelly-fish like things that float around.

Unfortunately, these lovely things are given ridiculous back-stories. For instance, the pretty awesome airborne jellyfish are “sacred seeds” of some sacred tree yada yada yada. It’s like Midichlorians all over again.

And speaking of Midichlorians, there is Star Wars all over this thing. And unfortunately, it’s mostly Phantom Menace. That whole insistent, heavy-handed anointing of the chosen one. The over-extended racing scenes (Avatar’s dragon-creatures, Menace’s pod-racing). A variety of weird beasts that have to be fought and/or trained, providing both humorous and scary moments.

The first act introduces crazy fire power on the human side and super-scary flora and fauna on the Pandora side. We see all these dangerous things laid out, and it’s pretty obvious that the movie is heading for an epic battle between the two. But after the superior power of the technology is made clear, the Pandorians don’t seem to do anything to prepare for battle, other than yelling all Braveheart-like. I can’t believe he said this, but I totally agree with Jake (the other half of 83 Durant, NOT the “Jake” character in the movie) who said after the movie: “they needed some Ewok action.” No, we’re not endorsing Ewoks, but it’s true that what we needed to see was the Pandorians doing something, like setting up traps or laying out some kind of insurgency plan. Instead, after the attack begins, they just reveal that their flying dragon creatures can take out the flying warcrafts. Really? When exactly did they figure out how to do that?

You may be excited to know that golf is still a pastime in the year 2154 (when Avatar is set). We know this because the evil corporate-type guy is seen putting in the middle of the war room. This sort of behavior is movie shorthand for “this guy is a jerk.” Additionally, the activity provides the opportunity for a gratuitous 3-D shot, which impresses no one. The 3-D thing is cool, but there seemed to be way too much here that was done just because it looked cool. I imagine that by the real year 2154 (and even sooner) this coolness is going to look woefully lame.

The evil corporate type reveals that the thing the evil corporations are looking for is called “Unobtainium.” I am not kidding. “Unobtanium” is the word writers throw into a script to be replaced later by the real name of the unobtainable, highly desirable item. Did no one at any point in the development of the film, not stop and say, uh, we should probably get a real fake name in here rather than this fake fake name?

Sigourney Weaver is certainly a high point of the film; she’s a scientist, and it’s nice to see that they actually chose someone who might, you know, be old enough to be a scientist. I also thought it was nice to see someone smoking on screen again (aside from villains, people in movies don’t smoke anymore). But then, as Jake reminded me, we don’t actually SEE her smoking. She’s all cranky and demanding a cigarette after being woken from her years of cryogenic sleep, but we don’t see her smoking; she just carries the thing around. It’s curious.

All the reviews keep pronouncing on the “spectacle” of the film. I’ll accept that, but other than amazement at how they developed these stunning special effects, what am I supposed to take away from that? There’s spectacle and crazy effects everywhere. I can go to the New England Aquarium and stare at jellyfish. I can walk out into the lobby of Jordan’s and see their “Liquid Fireworks” display. I don’t want to do any of these things for 170 minutes.

I made the unfortunate choice to click on this story at CNN on the evening before seeing the film: “Audiences experience ‘Avatar’ Blues.” The CNN piece cites an individual named “Ivar Hill,” who wrote in an online Avatar forum:

"When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed ... gray. It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning"

From this and other postings on various Avatar fan boards, CNN claims that this is a serious issue of concern; they suggest that the amazing effects make the world of Pandora so real, that some viewers experience “separation anxiety” (their words). While I was indeed depressed after seeing the movie, it was mostly because we had paid for a babysitter (in addition to admission to the film) and that was time sorely wasted on this bungling behemoth of a film.

The whole article ends with this:

Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing "Avatar" video games or downloading the movie soundtrack...

At this point, I have to think that this whole story is a plant – clearly the solution to your sadness is to go pay another $12.50 to see the film, then purchase assorted film tie-ins. After all, Cameron needs to make back that $500 million he spent, right?

I have many other meandering thoughts about this movie, but really, I have other writing I should be doing. Thanks for reading.